Episcopal 'Holy War' Coming over Homosexuals

The US Episcopal community was thrown into disarray today following doctrinal Anglican dictates passed down from church leaders at their conclave at Dars Es Salaam, Tanzania yesterday. The Anglican community threatened to excommunicate any parish which supported gay life styles in any way. "But, God does not and should not withhold his love from anyone for any reason, no matter who. It doesn't matter if they are straight, gay or even Republican." opined Bishop Tom Shaw , Episcopal Bishop of Massachusetts in Boston this morning. "He offers his loving hand to all, regardless of sexual preference or political persuasion."

However Bishop, The Most Rev. Plácido Rodríguez, C.M.F. in Lubbock, Texas was adamant in his opposition. "Listen! Those liberal minded fairy loving North Easterners are ruining our church!" he exclaimed. "God never ever meant for Episcopalians to love just anybody, no questions asked, no matter what! Queers and most Democrats are abominations in the eyes of God. I know it doesn't exactly say that in the scriptures anywhere, but that's the way I see things when I interpret God's will. And since I'm the bishop here in Lubbock, what I say goes."

"And since homos and queers are perversions in God's eyes the way I see things, and since Democrats are commonly known to support their so-called 'equal rights' and their access to common civil benefits accorded to anyone else, that makes them just as guilty. In fact, I've ordered our priests throughout the parishes I supervise to excommunicate them all, wholesale. God can sort 'em out later if he needs to. By that, I will have fulfilled my responsibilities to my holy, Christian God!"

Bishop Rodriquez went on to claim that his diocese was fielding a 'holy army' composed of Episcopal, ex-Texas Rangers to protect, defend and carry the holy battle to the enemy if necessary. "We'll show those panty-waist north eastern fairy loving priests where the power lies in our church." he said. "We have not yet even begun to fight!"

The bishop had to cut short his interview however as he claimed to be running late for his Ku Klux Klan meeting. "I've recently been elected Grand Dragon you know," he said. "and, it's imperative I be there."

God was not immediately available for comment.